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Insecurities…The other day my husband could sense I was having a bad day. The day started okay but turned sour when I disappointed my husband was going to be gone for a couple of hours buying and setting up our new phones. I wanted to go with him but needed to do some grocery shopping. He had to work that afternoon and didn’t have time to go with me grocery shopping. From that I got sad….really? Why would that set me off. The only thing I could think of was when my boys and I went to see him on Thanksgiving for dinner. He was working and he was our waiter. I noticed so many beautiful women he works with young beautiful women sitting at the bar. My son commented how he could see how flirty he is with those women and how they liked him. He then said ” But you have him Mom.” I actually said out loud. ” The question is, can I keep him.” Ouch…. The next day is when my husband knew something was bothering me. I snuggled up to my husband on the couch. He says.” We haven’t done it for awhile.” I said ” I know, but I’ve been here.’ I went to bed alone and I was sad he didn’t follow me into bed. He climbed in bed around 4:30 in the morning. He was checking his phone. WTF….The following evening was when we argued about that. He swears he has been waiting for an email from the phone company about unlocking our phones so we could switch phone companies. Should I believe that? It couldn’t wait..4:30 in the morning? I think he is still watching porn and chatting with other ” escorts’. He swears he isn’t. But my gut tells me he is. He told me if I hadn’t had caught him a year ago he would probably still be cheating and that it was a blessing I caught him. It was killing him with guilt. Then he said he can’t handle my insecurities. And “How long is this victim mentality going to last because he can’t live this way much longer. I told him I would try and move on and the experts say it last up to 2 years. He told me how much he loves me and that he is trying so hard to show it. I asked him why is stopped loving me, holding me, kissing me, wanting sex all the time and then after I caught him after Valentine’s Day searching for local women to screw, that’s when he stopped the affection. He said he doesn’t know why. Married for 15 years, kids, work..etc. could be the reason. He doesn’t know why. But that He loves me and always will. He said I don’t approach him anymore either. I’m waiting for him….Anyway, he doesn’t like me being so insecure. How can I gain confidence for myself again. I worried I’m too old now. I look old, I am old. How can I compare with younger more beautiful women he is around all day. ( I’m 55, he’s 43.) Any advice is greatly appreciated.. Talk to you again soon.
Its been 1 year ago today that I confronted my husband on his affairs and he confessed. I’m actually shaking as I write this. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about it. I’ve been on the rollercoaster ride if emotions. I’ve prayed a lot. I’ve cried a lot and I’ve laughed alot. My husband and children have done the same. All I can say is my family is worth saving. I have been through hell and back trying to figure all this stuff out. I’m trying to understand how I’ve allowed myself to hurt so deeply over a man. He screwed up. It takes a strong woman to stay in the marriage after an affair. But this has also made me have to look closer into who I am. I still have insecurities whether or not he is wanting to cheat again. I still look at his phone records, I still watch the clock. I asked him last week if he would have continued with sleeping around if I hadn’t caught him. He said yes. God, how do I process that one. He said he is glad he got caught. He now says he almost lost his family and that would be unbearable. He didn’t say He almost lost me. Ummmm…I take everything he says to heart. I wish I wouldn’t. Anyway, Let’s see what happens this year…
Hey, its me. I’m sitting here watching my son play his soccer game in the pouring rain. I love to watch him play. My husband is coaching him, supporting him, adoring him. I need that from my husband too. Today I woke up with the fear he is done with me. No reason just me and my insecurities. Everyday I think about him and wonder why..why .I only know that I am a strong woman otherwise I wouldn’t be with him watching our son play soccer. It takes a strong woman to fight. Fight for yourself. Your children. Your love. I am hurt, yes and I will be okay. Anyway. Half time is over. I’ m going to cheer my son on and hope we win the game. I’m going to cheer for our marriage and hope we win. If you know you played the best you can…..that’s all that matters
Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde syndrome..
Two days ago I was so pis…off that I was contimplating a seperation. Not only that, I was so down on myself I contiplated running to my pastor for spiritual help. I didn’t know who to turn to. I called my best friend and sister. With her unconditional love for me I was able to talk it out and take her advice. She was my Angel that night. Its been a cycle of one emotional high to the other every other month or so. Its as if I have two personalities. The smallest doubt of my husbands faithfulness can send me down a path to an endless tear filled night of despair. During this time, my husband is so taken back by it. He doesn’t understand why I’m acting and feeling this way. I honestly don’t think he is with another woman. I know he isnt. He works evenings. He is a manager/ waiter at a very nice, high end restaurant. Those nights when I think he has come home later than he should, I start checking his phone to see who he has been talking to, where is he?( I can track his phone. ) Or I’ll notice he hasn’t asked for sex for a week and say to myself, That’s not like him. Here’s a man who can’t go a couple of days without it, What’s going on! After all this worry, through my investigation, is always nothing. Its as if I want something to happen so I don’t feel so stupid. Before the affair I trusted him with everything I believed in. Look where it got me. I was so blind for so long. I won’t be fooled again. I have to be on guard, I have to protect my heart. By being on guard, I’m sabotaging my own happiness. That was two days ago. After all that self destruction, He pulls me close, kisses me, tells me how much he loves me and how much he needs me. He is watching his wife go through so much pain for what he has done. He himself feels he will never be able to make it up to me. He is trying so hard. I know he loves me. He loves his family. He can’t stand the thought of losing us. Today, I’m so in love with him, It feels like we first met. New beginning, New hope. Happiness. Respect. Forgiveness. I’m back to loving myself again. I’m back…til next time….How do I stop this ride..I want to get off.
I am reaching the one year mark from D Day. This past year has distrupted my life down to the very core of my being. I am no longer the happy woman I once was. When I get too happy, I stop myself. I start wondering, “Why is he so late coming home from work? Why hasnt he asked for sex this week? Why the secrecy when it involves his money? I want proof I am the beneficiary. How can I ask to see his financial records without sounding like I am accusing him of something. I was the good little wife before d- day. I saw nothing, asked nothing, spoke of only things that concerned the children or work. I was too busy being happy and trusting. Now, well, I’ ve changed. I’m no longer worrying about other women like I used to. But I have come to the think how I rank in order of our household. My husband is first, the children second, then me. As much as he says he loves me, What I need and want doesnt matter. I said to him the other night that ” I was dissapointed in the fact that since he has been working so many hours lately, I would hope that when he has the chance to come home early, Why doesnt he?. I said also that ” I have been dreaming of spending Thanksgiving weekend in a cozy cabin in the mountains and if he would please ask to be off that weekend?.He says, He will, but ” Honestly, he wouldnt be comfortable being in a cabin. It doesnt sound fun at all ..Then he said.” I’ll ask the boys what they want.” I said no, The boys could care less, they are teenagers. Why can’t it be because I want to go”. I said to him,” I am living Your Life, not Mine. My hopes and dreams dont matter and never will.” He has yet to show any concern for that statement, which I think is huge. I am becoming more selfish with my own desires and dreams. His only concern is, ” I dont tell him how much I appreciate his hard work and He is saddened by that” Once again, its himself he is thinking of. Im fed up, Im angry, Im hurt, Im lonely. I dont trust. God, help me be the happy woman I once was, only this time, smarter and wiser.
He is at it again
A few days ago I decided to into my husbands old phone that he was using while his current phone was in repair. He forgot to erase the history. He is searching for local women to date. He has joined Ourtime. Com, datingframe.com, instabang, etc. He also looked up and highlighted women on Craigslist personals. Now….My problem is this. He confesses in Nov he had sex with 4 women he met from a local dating site. Since then, I’ve been checking our phone records. I confronted him often. He has an answer for every one of those calls, texts. He is just looking, not acting. A couple of months ago, we almost split up.. I couldn’t handle it and he couldn’t handle the constant accusations, questions, etc. He swears he has been faithful. Well….then I find his newest searches. Why the f…would he be looking for women and highlighting women if he’s not going to act? Its like me looking for a car, choosing the one I like, but have no intention of buying one. Why go through the constant search if I’m not acting on it. I am ready to leave him but I have 2 boys to consider. See, He has no idea I know. I am just waiting to catch him in the act. That’s the only way I can leave. Like I said, he has an answer for everything. He even told me until I have 100% proof, I have nothing. We have been getting along. He is not as affectionate as he used to be since our last big fight. His he cheating? Or is he just looking. He watches porn daily…I want to leave him but I’m afraid. I’m afraid also for my children. Any advise is greatly appreciated. I am his fool..I feel like a fool. I hate myself.
Obsessive thoughts
I looked up my husband’s fuck buddy on Facebook last night. I looked through her photos slowly. I took them all in. I tried to imagine my husband with her.(what is wrong with me?) She isn’t even attractive…. it’s insulting he would betray me with someone that looks like a rotten obese potato head. I looked through her pictures again and again and again….I fell asleep with her Facebook page opened. My husband(P) came home from work and found me face planted on the IPad stalking his mistress. He hasn’t mentioned it today, but I did get an “I love you” from him via text message at 2:11AM.
I’ve spent most of my day at work today reading other people’s stories on WordPress. You’ve all inspired me with your bravery and your own d-day stories. I wish your marriages nothing but the best.
Conflicted.
You and I are going through the exact thing..I could have written this word for word
After I posted the other day, I was able to get into the phone records. I started with the most recent months and everything was clean except for a few stray text messages to a girl that P knows I am uncomfortable with him talking to. I have asked him repeatedly to cut off contact with her. He shouldn’t be following her on IG. He shouldn’t be friends with her on FB. AND HE SURE AS HELL SHOULDN’T BE SENDING HER TEXT MESSAGES. I counted them- there were six total. I searched for her number on all of our bills from July of last year until June of this year. Those six text messages were the only ones with her but there is history with this tramp. He knew this would hurt me and he did it anyway? I blew the fuck up. I’m trying my best to heal from…
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Navigating
I followed the sound of the hockey game into our bedroom last night. It’s the NHL playoffs and our home team was playing. I would never label myself a hockey fan but when you live in Boston you inherently become a Patriots/Red Sox/Celtics/Bruins fan. I stepped into the bedroom and saw my husband folding laundry with his eyes focused on the television. I had just come home and had two cocktails in me so I fell down onto the bed, atop all the laundry and positioned my head right under my husband’s crotch. In this moment I was teasing him, although if he asked me, I would have happily pleasured him. I looked up into his eyes as he dropped the t-shirt he was folding and placed his hands aside my head.
“I love this position,” I said.
“I’m not sure who enjoys it more,” my husband responded.
“Can you…
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Healing After the Affair 